Ernest T. Bass: If a duck stood still you could catch him by the bill.

Andy: Barney, what are you doin'?
Barney: Gun-drawing practice, ten minutes every day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry.

Ernest T. Bass

Old Aunt Moriah, jumped in the fire
Fire too hot jumped in the pot
Pot too black, jumped in the crack
Crack too wide, jumped in the sky
Sky too blue, jumped in the canoe
Canoe too shallow, jumped in the tallow
Tallow too soft, jumped in the loft
Loft too rotten, jumped in the cotton
Cotton so white, she stayed there all night!

Now you want to hear me sing "eatin goober peas"?

Barney Fife

Barney: The last big buy was my Mom and Dad's anniversary present.
Andy: What'd you get them?
Barney: A septic tank.
Andy: For their anniversary?
Barney: They're awful hard to buy for. Besides, it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. It had two tons of concrete in it. All steel reinforced.
Andy: Your a fine son, Barn.
Barney: I try.

Episode 48 - The Manicurist

A beautiful manicurist (Barbara Eden) from the city talks Floyd into letting her give manicures to all the men in Mayberry. This doesn't go over too good with the wives.
Ellen Brown has the distinction of being one of the very few women to ever enter Floyd's barbershop.

(Barney's reluctant to get a manicure).
Ellen: I'll be real careful.
Barney: (shows his index finger) Well, be extra careful with that one. That's my trigger finger.You damage that and I might as well quit the business.
Ellen: Well, alright. I'll only do nine.

(Andy explaining to Ellen why she makes the Mayberry wives nervous)
Andy: I don't know whether you know this or not, but, uh...well, uh...nature's been good to you. I mean real, real, REAL good. I can't remember when I've seen nature spend so much time on any one person.

(Andy to Floyd about the manicurist)
Andy: She sure is pretty to look at, ain't she? Kind of like a calendar come to life.

Episode 66 - Andy and the New Mayor

(Andy reads the label on Barneys new, strong after shave lotion)
Andy: Nuits de Paris -or - Paris Nights
Barney: Well it's famous stuff. A lot of celebrities use that... radio announcers and everything.
Andy: Capturing the fragrance of Riviera rose petals and the passion of the Mediterranean moon in a rugged he-man scent. Caution: users should wear gloves.
Barney: (grabs the bottle and checks label for that last part) You're funny, aren't you, boy. You're really funny. Give you a hundred on the laugh meter!

Season 4 Episode 98 - Ernest T. Bass Joins the Army

The Army doctor is examining Ernest T. and gets out his tongue depressor.
Doctor: Say ah.
Ernest T.: ah
Doctor: Can you stretch that out a little for me?
Ernest T.: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
The doctor examines his throat and starts to look in his ear.
Ernest T.: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Doctor: Uh, no. No. That was just for the throat.
Ernest T.: what do you want me to say for the ears.
Doctor: Hush!!
Ernest T.: Huuuuuuuuuuush.

Priceless.